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22.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.


This one sort of goes along with the list of things I need to forgive myself for...

There was a time in my life - not too long ago - when I didn't believe I could be loved at a deep level. On a face level, on a flirting level... Sure. But deep, long lasting love? Nope. Wasn't going to happen to me.

As what often happens with these sort of ideas, I ended up going out with men who were very wrong for me. In one way or another, the relationships were never going to last. And I knew that, so I felt safe.

But then I met the Bloke, a man who matched me on levels I didn't even bother to think about with other guys. He was the list I had made of my ideal man: intelligent, taller than me (hey, I did say 'my ideal'), funny, loves animals, likes computers, loves travel, someone I could spend hours talking to...

But seeing him and knowing he was capable of that deep love - and I capable of that deep love for him - scared me. I was scared of love like that because it would hurt so much more when he left me, which I was convinced he would do at sometime. So I treated him badly. The assumption of him hurting me led to me hurting him first. The first year of our relationship was not at all easy - and not just because of the massive distance between us. I was rotten at times, I am so lucky that The Bloke is one of the most patient people I know.

That treatment of him is something I wish I hadn't done. He doesn't think on it anymore because he understands it was a defense mechanism. But I still think back sometimes and sigh, wanting to go back in time to smack myself upside the head.

[30 Days of Truth]

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