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30.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 30

Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself


Dear Me,

As I look at this prompt, I can't tell if this is going to be a long post or a short one...

Let's get to it, shall we?

I love your enthusiasm. It's an enthusiasm that sometimes gets you in trouble in one way or another, but is something no one has ever been able to take away from you. That love for life is what you'll take with you to the end.

I love that you are still discovering your passions. It is frustrating sometimes to not know who you are or where you are going, but the thrill of discovery is awesome and you still have so much of your life to shape.

Finally, I love your strength. I know you don't think you are strong and I know there have been some very tough times when you were weak, but overall... You don't believe it, but you have done some amazing things that took an amount of strength that some people never learn in their entire lives.

Be well. Do well.

Me

[30 Days of Truth]

29.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 29

Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.


Physically, I want to lose weight. Not just for my health, not just to conceive but also to show myself that I am more than my past and that I can do it. *muscle pose*

Mentally, I want to get past my hangups so I can fully live life and do everything I want to do with it. I want to be brave and effervescent, smart and yet not cynical and just a plain lover of life.

Spiritually, if you want to call it that, I want to know myself as a person. I want to be at peace with myself.

[30 Days of Truth]

28.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 28

Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?


Well, if I got someone pregnant, I would have to laugh off my rear end and enlist myself as a miracle freak of nature. ;)

Seriously, if I were pregnant, I would celebrate. I would be a little freaked out because I'm not at all prepared in body or in mind, but I would still celebrate. I have PCOS (polycystic ovarian syndrome) so I am a little nervous that, when the time comes, it will be difficult to conceive. But when I do conceive... Well, I know that I can't imagine it now and that I will be nervous, but it will be amazing.

Oh, and I'd tell The Bloke first, face to face.


[30 Days of Truth]

27.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 27

Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?


Hm. That's a hard one...

It's not that I don't have much going for me in the good category right now, it's that it's hard to pick the best. My life isn't sunshine and puppy dogs by any means, but I have a life where... Ah, got it.

The best thing I have going for me right now is the sheer amount of opportunities out there. I'm young. I'm reasonably intelligent. I'm enthusiastic. I'm nice. And I'm excited just to be living. The fact that I am in a place in my life where I feel safe, comfortable and able to achieve pretty much any dream I set my mind to is amazing - and so freeing.

It doesn't get much better than that.


[30 Days of Truth]

26.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 26



Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?


I'm not very happy to say this, but yes, I have thought about giving up on life. In fact, I did give up on life.

I cam to a point in my life where I had burned the few good bridges I had in my life (my two best friends), had the few strings I had going (university loans being one) yanked away from me (they refused to grant the loan for my third year of university) and had what I though had been stable ground taken from me (won't get into that). I didn't see a way out or up. I didn't feel like I could talk to anyone who would understand and didn't trust anyone who said they could understand (aka pill pushing so-called 'psychiatrists'). I flirted with suicide and didn't see that my life could possibly go anywhere.

Then life gave me a little spank and told me it wasn't done with me yet. And here I am, Working on things and gazing in wonder at this amazing opportunity to live that I have been given.


[30 Days of Truth]

25.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 25

Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.


I find it appropriate that this prompt came on US Thanksgiving, a day when one is supposed to sit back and think about all the things in life to be grateful for. I don't really celebrate Thanksgiving anymore, but it's always good to think about the things you are grateful for.

I know that The Bloke, my husband, has been the person I have talked about the most this month. But he is a huge part of the new life I have built for myself.

Things in my life were heading downhill in a hurry before I met The Bloke. I had no feeling of self-worth, no belief that I could be much and I was on medication for depression because my relationship with my parents was quickly disintegrating but I couldn't afford my own place.

From the first time we talked, The Bloke engaged me in a way that no person ever had before. He 'held my hand' and supported me as I started taking the steps to becoming a woman with confidence and to seeing that I had a world of possibilities in front of me.

I believe that I am still alive because of him and the seeds of self-worth that he helped me plant in my heart.

[30 Days of Truth]

24.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 24

Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)


Just the Way You Are - Bruno Mars
Somewhere Only We Know - Keane
She Will Be Loved - Maroon 5
Thank You - Alanis Morissette
Hard Candy Christmas - Dolly Parton
You're Beautiful - James Blunt
Unwritten - Natasha Bedingfield
And So It Goes - Billy Joel

Dear Younger Self,

Many of these songs haven't come out at your age, but you will discover them. Each holds a special message just for you - some obvious and some that will be special just for you.

Enjoy them and listen to them. Don't let them fade away because, even years later, they will still be just as powerful to you.

[30 Days of Truth]

23.11.10

Aussie Gets Fit Day 23/Day 2

When I think about it being day 23 of dedicating myself to my health and well-being, I can't help but smile. The time has flown so fast, and I've already had ups and downs with the making of new friends and adding in social occasions. But I feel so good! I feel like I have started the habits of a lifetime rather than just another 'new diet'.

I have added on another component to my lifestyle. Even though it feels weird to say that on day two, I feel proud just to have started. Exercise and I haven't had the best of relationships in the past, but things are going well. Even if it is just day two.



That's me! I wanted to take a picture on day one, but I was waiting on a replacement camera after mine bit the fuzz. This isn't a great pic by any means, but it features me with my essentials: bandanna to keep my hair back, mp3 player currently set to The Fry Chronicles by Stephen Fry, my sunnies and a loose jumper over my t-shirt.



Today I definitely walked four kilometres, as The Bloke dropped me off a little further away. That started my walk with a hill, which set my ankle off a little. I'm thinking of wrapping it up to make it a little sturdier until the muscle builds up.



All in all, I feel like I'm on the right track and I like how things are going - slowly but surely. I'm not sure if I'll ever like getting up so early in the morning, but it really does work best for me to exercise first thing.

Things are looking up.

30 Days of Truth - Day 23

Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.


This question is a little hard to answer because while there are things I wish I had done, I still have plenty of time to do them. Then again...

The time before I moved to Australia was a stressful one on many different levels. But the one thing that I wish I would have done was think more about what I was bringing with me.

I sent one box ahead of me before I flew over and had only one luggage back and my laptop bag. The box held things that were important to me, but there were other things that were important to me that I didn't think about at the time because I packed in a hurry. My Dr. Seuss books. My vintage Barbie doll that my grandmother bought me the year I was born. Plenty of other knick-knacks that meant nothing to anyone but me.

I know they were only things, but they were my things. They had positive memories attached, and I wish I could hold them in my hands now.

[30 Days of Truth]

22.11.10

Walk It Off

Today I got up about two hours earlier than I am used to - which, in and of itself is pretty huge because I am not a morning person - so my husband could drop me off on his way to work. With my sunnies on, my hair pulled back and my audiobook of The Fry Chronicles by Stephen Fry in my mp3 player, I set off.

I didn't miss the irony of the universe when - completely unknown to me - Fry started his biography talking about his addiction to sugar and what it did to him. He swiftly went from an intelligent man I like to listen to, to a comrade in arms who has struggled as I do with this sweet-laden society.

Unlike music, which - after years of marching band - forces me to walk the tempo of whatever song is on, having an audiobook on engages my mind in a way that let's me walk at a truly beginner's pace while engaging my mind to the point I can mostly ignore breathlessness, soreness and sweat.

In one hour and two minutes I walked somewhere between 3.5 and 4 kilometres (somewhere between just over 2 and 2.5 miles) nonstop. I'm feeling quite chuffed about both the distance and the amount of time it took. An hour seems to perfectly... perfect and the distance challenges me without leaving me feeling like a worn out bicycle tire.

I know this is the first day of many, but taking that first step is so incredibly important that it is worth celebrating.

I already have my first goal, too. The Bloke has promised me that if I keep up with my walking routine with no exceptions for a month, I get to go in and have shoes fitted to me (something we've seen advertised on tele for athletes).

Overall, this is a very happy start. I hope to have my replacement camera with me soon so I can take pictures of the walk.

30 Days of Truth - Day 22

Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.


This one sort of goes along with the list of things I need to forgive myself for...

There was a time in my life - not too long ago - when I didn't believe I could be loved at a deep level. On a face level, on a flirting level... Sure. But deep, long lasting love? Nope. Wasn't going to happen to me.

As what often happens with these sort of ideas, I ended up going out with men who were very wrong for me. In one way or another, the relationships were never going to last. And I knew that, so I felt safe.

But then I met the Bloke, a man who matched me on levels I didn't even bother to think about with other guys. He was the list I had made of my ideal man: intelligent, taller than me (hey, I did say 'my ideal'), funny, loves animals, likes computers, loves travel, someone I could spend hours talking to...

But seeing him and knowing he was capable of that deep love - and I capable of that deep love for him - scared me. I was scared of love like that because it would hurt so much more when he left me, which I was convinced he would do at sometime. So I treated him badly. The assumption of him hurting me led to me hurting him first. The first year of our relationship was not at all easy - and not just because of the massive distance between us. I was rotten at times, I am so lucky that The Bloke is one of the most patient people I know.

That treatment of him is something I wish I hadn't done. He doesn't think on it anymore because he understands it was a defense mechanism. But I still think back sometimes and sigh, wanting to go back in time to smack myself upside the head.

[30 Days of Truth]

21.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 21

Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?


I think I am in a bit of a snarky mood today because my first reaction to this question was: Well, duh. You go see if your friend is okay.

A fight of a moment doesn't take away a friendship of a lifetime.

But, for the sake of argument, let's say best friend has told me that she's been sleeping with my husband. Even then, I cannot imagine not going to the hospital to visit or whatever. I wouldn't bring flowers and I probably would hesitate before going, but in my mind there is no possibility of not going or whatever other options there are.


[30 Days of Truth]

20.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 20

Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.


I've lived in the States and in Australia, and while the laws are different, I still think we have very backwards views on things.

For example: Alcohol is toxic to every organ in your body, and it is legal. Marijuana (just pure marijuana without crap added) is perfectly fine and it is illegal.

Another example: Alcohol is addictive - an addiction that can get passed through families. You could sit and eat marijuana cookies all day long and all you would get is twenty pounds and a nice buzz.

Tell me why we sell alcohol and not marijuana.

I'm just using the examples of general alcohol and marijuana because those are easiest to talk about. There are wine coolers you could claim never hurt anyone and there are other drugs that are the scourge of the Earth. But lumping all alcohol and all drugs into firm categories is like saying that one diet works for all people.

It just doesn't work like that.

[30 Days of Truth]

19.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 19

Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?


As far as I am concerned, both are subjects I have little to do with because too many people use both to do things that are wrong - and I can't do a damn thing about it.

18.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 18

Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.


This could get me in trouble because people get so heated up about this... But here we go.

The way I see it, marriage stopped being a religious convention when the state stepped in. The state/the government/etc. The moment that there were legal implications of becoming married, religion became an alternate in the marriage 'game'. Sometimes religion plays, sometimes it doesn't, depending on the couple.

The reason I bring religion into it is because that's the reason a lot of people site for being against gay marriage.

Okay. Now that's established.

Two people love each other, they kiss, they are pronounced married, they sign a license which is then filed with the government, not the local church. So why do religious views have to get into it? Atheists and agnostics have been getting married for a long, long time, and religion doesn't say "you shouldn't be wed because you don't believe in God/god/gods" etc. In many of those weddings, religions have nothing to do with it. They even get a celebrant instead of a religious figure to perform the ceremony. And it is still perfectly legitimate in the eyes of the government.

So why can't gay people do that too?

They are two people. They are in love. They want the joy of filing joint taxes, too. What does it matter what they do in the bedroom? Nobody cares what agnostics do in the bedroom.

If a preacher/priest/whatever isn't keen on officiating gay marriages, then that's his choice. If a church doesn't want those kind of weddings in their church, whatever. But to dictate government policy - that's why I mentioned government first - on religious views that not everyone holds is silly. What happened to separation of church and state? That little ol' thing in the constitution?

For me, you can't have both the government view of marriage and the religious restrictions on marriage. It makes the entire institution hypocritical.

Have religious weddings. Have non-religious weddings. Have whatever weddings you want. But until religion removes government policies based on and around 'the couple', religion shouldn't dictate who can be a couple.



'There is so much good in the worst of us and bad in the best of us that it behooves any one of us to find fault with the rest of us.' - Anonymous


[30 Days of Truth]

17.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 17




Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.


I don't think I could pick just one...

When I was a little girl, I learned the meaning of unconditional love from a book called The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.

Also when I was young, The Lorax by Dr. Seuss had me looking at the environment in a whole new way and taught me to love my environment.

As a first year uni student suffering from severe depression, one of the counselors who worked with me recommended the book Writing Down the Bones by Natalie Goldberg. I didn't quite understand why she would recommend a writing book for a mood disorder, but I picked it up anyway. Writing Down the Bones changed my view of my writing from something I 'just did' that I liked and people said I did well to a deeper, almost spiritual, connection to what I wanted to express from my soul. I finally viewed my writing as an art and a passion rather than an act and happy hobby.

And, the book I'm reading now: Losing Your Pounds of Pain by Doreen Virtue. This book is teaching me that even the stuff I thought I was fully right blaming myself for isn't my fault. Now that is a beautiful weight to have lifted off my shoulders.


Books are beautiful.

[30 Days of Truth]

16.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 16

Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.


Road rage! Well, angry people in general. I won't even post a yelling person picture for this post because I don't want to look at it.

I hate to admit it, but I'm one of those sensitive/empathic/willnotcallmyselffragile people that bullies and mean people love to pick on. Thankfully I'm a nice enough person to have gotten by without people trying to get a rise out of me. But even angry people I don't know being angry in my general direction upsets me.

Especially road rage.

Anger has been made out to be such a 'bad' emotion these days that people suppress so much. So you end up with people like me who are frightened of anger and people who act out their anger inappropriately (like when they feel 'safe' in a car).

The Bloke and I once had an experience with a pair of teens who rode our bumper for miles and miles (country road, few turn offs, one lane for each direction, double lines, and a line of slow people in front of us), then we got into a town and they proceeded to harass us - cutting us off, slowing down in front of us, trying to drag, yelling, swearing, flipping us off...

Now that was traumatic enough for the Bloke, who was driving, but it sent me into a tailspin. I could not let it go for weeks. Horrible horrible. And all over not passing a line of traffic on a double line.

Anger is not a bad emotion - there are no 'bad' emotions - but what people do with it... I wish anger management was a mandatory class.


[30 Days of Truth]

15.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 15



My wedding garter.


Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.


My husband.

Yeah, I know that is probably the 'easy' answer, but it's true! Back when I was in the US and he was in Australia, we did have a brief period of living without each other in the emotional as well as obviously physical aspect.

It was horrible. I was completely miserable. The world just felt 'off' with us not being together. I had this horrible void inside that I just couldn't shake. Logic said it was easier to be without each other because of the distance, the age difference, difficulties we'd already been through... But he was as miserable as me. And we knew that we were meant to be together.

[30 Days of Truth]

14.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 14

Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)


This is going to sound like such a cop out, but I've never had any 'heroes'. I can't think of anyone who has even been close to a hero (besides The Bloke - and he has never let me down), so I'm going to have to opt out of this one.

[30 Days of Truth]

13.11.10

Taking Ass and Kicking Names

I meant to post this sooner, but, you know, life happened.

My appointment and the paranoia-inducing spot on my thumb update:

I'm so ready to punch my GP right in the balls. Yeah, I said it. You see, when I sat down to get The Spot looked at, I told him that I had concerns about cancer. Breast cancer that morphed into liver, bone, etc cancers killed my grandmother. My mother has a freaking brain tumor. Weird little spot in the country where skin cancer is the big cancer?

I'll take 'how to freak JM out for $500, please'. Instead of reassuring me, my GP had me freaking out even worse. That's why I was so nervous! And why I wanted my appointment moved ahead. He told me how weird it was to get a spot on my thumb and how it looked odd, etc, etc.

Lo and behold...

I went to the dermatologist who didn't even think it was worth removing. 'Just a mole. Looks like any other, and it's not odd to have it on your thumb. If it keeps getting bigger and you're worried, come back to see me.'

Simple as that!

So on one hand, I am relieved that I don't have anything to worry about. At least for a long time yet. On the other hand, I don't want to see a doctor who is just going to play up my fears. I wonder if he got some sort of referral fee...

Life moves on and the typing is as fast as ever. Phew!

30 Days of Truth - Day 13



Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)


Dear Lifehouse,

Though you were around long before, I only discovered you during my university years - the toughest years of my life thus far. You were an instant hit with me, and when I listened to You and Me, which made me feel closer to my husband while we were separated by distance, I needed to find more music by you.

Once again, your music echoed my relationship when I first felt the amazing realisation of knowing that my husband meant everything to me and that life without him was something I didn't want to contemplate.



Even these days when I feel like I'm falling apart, you manage to make me feel like I'm not alone.



Even better, you somehow manage to pick up other songs that mean a lot to me.



Thank you for all the beautiful music.



[30 Days of Truth]

12.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 12

Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.


Hm. There are plenty of things I never get compliments on, but I'm assuming we're going for things that actually apply to me...

I never get compliments on my organization. Going by my desk, you wouldn't think I'm organized. But all you need to do is look at all the spreadsheets I keep for work and personal...

I never get compliments on being funny, though I've been known to crack people up every now and then.

Then there are the vanity ones like hair, eyes, shoes, clothing (probably because I'm plus sized with a budget - not good in Australia), etc.

I have gotten compliments on my smile and laugh, though, so I can't include those.

Yet, even thinking about what I don't get complimented on, I find I don't care. Cool for me.

Friday Funny: "The Talk" Boss Version

11.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 11

Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.


Haha. Back in high school, I had people compliment me on how long my eyelashes are. Woo!

Let's see...

The compliment that I hear most often since I moved to Australia is that I am a great baker.

At first I didn't believe it. Yeah, I made great brownies, but that didn't make me a great baker. Since then I have realised that baking is like writing. Two people can write English words, but the true writer can write a novel. Two people can follow the same recipe, but sometimes it's that extra bit of love and soul that someone passionate about cooking/baking puts in that makes it a truly marvelous dish.

Being known for sinfully delicious brownies isn't too shabby. :) I like it.

[30 Days of Truth]

10.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 10

Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.


I'm afraid I'm going to be boring with this one. I can't think of anyone I need to let go. I suppose there are people I wish I didn't know, but that's more in regards to the past, so it doesn't quite fit this prompt. I'm more keen on wishing I didn't have the memories rather than the person (who is no longer in my life).

[30 Days of Truth]

9.11.10

Happy Dance!

I called the skin clinic and asked them to notify me of any cancellations. My little sunspot is getting darker and growing, so waiting another few weeks was beginning to grind on me.

Lo and behold, someone cancelled! I'll be getting it removed on Thursday. Woot!

I'll be posting ahead with the 30 Days of Truth so I don't miss a beat. :)

30 Days of Truth - Day 09




Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.


Once upon a time, I had a best friend. We were pretty much known for our friendship with each other. Where one was, that one got asked where the other was. (That was my experience, anyway.) We traveled together, had a lot of the same interests, had plenty of laughs and shared our dreams with each other.

I used to think that our friendship ended when I moved to Australia and said friend didn't want to deal with that. But, years later, I see that we had been drifting apart for a while before then. Depression began to swallow me whole, and said friend was going through a hell of a lot that she didn't seem to know how to talk about or didn't want to.

I don't regret my actions; I did the best I could with an increasingly abusive environment that set of making my depression increasingly worse. I do wish we could have at least tried to talk more.

Me moving to Australia, something I had to do for me, must have simply been the last straw for said friend. Now we're different people and lead different lives, so...

There we are.

[30 Days of Truth]

8.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 08

Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.


I don't want to sit here and call someone out, though my earlier posts may have indicated that I would. I see this prompt and I think about all the people I have treated badly in the past. I was downright horrible to some people. But then again, weren't we all at some point?

That said, a couple people do come to mind when I read that prompt, but they don't quite fit. Nobody made my life hell; certain people made moments of my life hell or treated me badly. That's just part of the game, though, isn't it?

Perhaps I won't be so introspective and zen on another day, but today, to conjure up all those bad memories of all the ways those particular people treated me badly would just serve to put me in a bad mood. At the moment, I'm in a good mood, so I don't want to spoil that.

So, yes, there are a few people in my life I feel treated me very badly. But that's done now and I'm going to take a hot bath.

[30 Days of Truth]

7.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 07



Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.


My husband, The Bloke, doesn't think he's an amazing man. In fact, he thinks he's just average. But really, especially in my eyes, he's the most incredible man I have ever met.

The first time we met, we talked all night. The only reason we stopped talking was because we'd talked all the way through the night and early morning up to my 8am psychology class. You couldn't tell that I hadn't slept at all, though, because I was walking on the moon.

We met during a difficult time in my life, and he was with me every step of the way. He helped me look after my health when I didn't want to, he listened when I needed to talk and he made me a priority in his life when he had plenty of things happening in his.

I didn't expect him to stick around, so I hurt him. More than once. But he was mature enough and forgiving enough to see what was really happening. He forgave me when he didn't need to and loved me when I thought myself unloveable.

Almost unbelievably, things got even worse in my home situation. And he saved me.

Through the good times and the bad, he'd been saving money. Week in and week out, he put a little bit into an account. That money bought me a flight from the US to Australia. Out of the nightmare and into the sunshine.

He saved my life in all but the most literal way, and I never forget that. And he continues to make my life worth living.

6.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 06



Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.


Say goodbye to The Bloke. For any circumstance.

I can survive without him, but I don't want to have to.

5.11.10

Friday Funny: "The Talk" Girlfriend Version



I love this commercial...

30 Days of Truth - Day 05



Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.


I want to find out who I really am.

At this point in my life, I'm just drifting. I don't feel like a 'whole' person just yet with a firm, solid personality. I drift around from Holly Homemaker to Witty Writer Lately to Stripy Socks and back again. I've got images of who I want to be...

*The kind of person who can say 'awesomesauce' and get away with it.
*The kind of person who wears snarky but clever t-shirts and geeky accessories.
*The kind of person who wears stripy socks and does fun things with her hair... even at 30 or 40.
*The kind of person that weighs quite a few pounds less than I currently do.

...but that's only a start.

I will get there. I just need to keep pushing myself toward it.

4.11.10

Everything Melbourne in 30 Seconds



:)

30 Days of Truth - Day 04



Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.


Eesh. These just keep getting better and better, don't they?

Might as well dig right in...

I need to forgive my mother. (I hate how familiar that must sound.) I need to forgive her for so many things, but at this point, I need to forgive her the most for never admitting to what she's done.

I accept that she'll never admit to it, much less talk about it, but acceptance is still a step or two away from forgiveness. I know she's a product of the abuses she suffered as a child as well, but there is a point where you either repeat those actions or consciously decide that the abuse will not continue. I made that choice. My daughter will never suffer at my hand or question my love for her.

I forgive my mother for not making that choice to stop; it's hard to get past memes. But to then not accept what you've done and work to get past it, thus denying yourself and your daughter from any sort of real relationship, is unforgiveable.

At least for now.

3.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 03



Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.


Ew. I don't like this one. May I skip to the next?

I suppose you could say I have a lot of 'hang ups' with my past. There is a lot of unfinished business and a lot of people who are angry with me. I feel justified, but also...

Anyway. I think the biggest, worst 'sin' of them all that I did that I need to forgive myself for is... binge eating since I was about four years old.

(Wow. I had something else typed in but realised that I wasn't being completely honest. I type that whopper in and the tears start gathering!)

I was abused as a child in different ways and that brought out many different habits in me. One was binge eating. Some people turn to anorexia, some to bullemia... I tried those when I was at university, but I started off with binge eating.

Food has forever been the one thing I could control. Not the food I ate, but how much I ate. Some of my earliest memories are of literally eating myself sick. Yeah. A lot of horrible memories, those.

I need to forgive myself for coping with my childhood by binge eating because, frankly, not forgiving myself for doing it is keeping me from losing the weight now that I'm in a safe place.

2.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 02



Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.


Why does this one have to be so much harder than the reasons you hate yourself one? That's just wrong...

Hm. What do I love about me...

I love my willingness to love.

That may seem like the easy answer, but bear with me. Ever since I was a little girl, I just wanted to love and be loved. I grew up in a religion, but the Golden Rule was my real religion. I believed in giving and loving and just wanting everyone to be happy. I failed. A lot. But I kept as true to that path as I could.

In the adult world, things are a lot harder. People get weirded out by 'just because' gifts. Some people become uncomfortable. That makes me sad, but it's a fact of adult life. People just don't trust as much, and I accept that.

But I keep giving when and where I can because it's what I love to do. It makes me feel fulfilled when I can give something. These days, the giving usually involves brownies, but I haven't heard any complaints yet.

So, in the end, I love my capacity to love. That is the one part of me that, if I lost it, I would no longer be me.

1.11.10

30 Days of Truth - Day 01



Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.


Well, you see, I have this habit of starting things on Mondays...

Okay, so I don't find that habit a reason to hate myself. Perhaps think myself slightly peculiar...

So what do I hate about myself?

I hate that I am so scared. I have this amazing life with so many opportunities, and yet I am at home at the computer most of the time, overweight and knowing that I should be doing something more. Barring finances and all that crap, I can do anything that I want. My imagination is the limit.

And yet, my imagination isn't coming up with much.

There are things I want, but I keep putting them off. I need to stop doing that because all it's doing is annoying me, and me being annoyed with myself is just a big bowl of sadflakes.

30 Days of Truth