The average American consumer is bombarded with hundreds of commercial messages a day, and some experts claim that the average child sees and hears 100,000 pitches before being old enough to attend school. Sometimes it seems that, in these messages, both the sponsors and the advertising agencies have abandoned the struggle to communicate clearly, washing their hands of sense and meaning.
On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurant appeared this advertising atrocity:
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
An Alternative to Looking Good.
After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct what happened in the framing of this cacphonous come-on.
Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable prices afforded an alternative for looking good.
But what came out was the message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoon and comic strips:
* Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free. [Parsons PA paper]
* We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young [Display ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent.
* LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in
the Shreveport LA Journal]
* Widows made to order. Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]
* The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the service we render. PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]
*TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil's Curiosity Shop [Philadelphia Inquirer]
* Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use. Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA Enterprise]
* For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand. [Calcutta India]
* WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German. [Parade of Youth]
* Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage. [Ossining paper]
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.
* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent
* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.
* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else.
* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes & Gardens.
* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required.
* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.
* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and snacks included.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
* See ladies blouses. 50% off!
* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204
* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00
And these beauties from the radio:
* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Some memorable headlines
JURY GETS DRUNK DRIVING CASE HERE
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK
PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION
SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS
HOTEL BURNS: TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD
INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
SENAT PASSES DEATH PENALTY
Measure provides for Electrocution for all persons over 17.
Thugs eat then rob proprietor
Scent foul play in death of man found bound and hanged
Dog in bed, asks divorce
WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT
BOY COOKS MUST EAT OWN VITALS
BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS
OFFICER CONVICTED OF ACCEPTING BRIDE
40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE