On a paper placemat in a Massachusetts restaurant appeared this advertising atrocity:
NEWBURY STREET COIFFURE
An Alternative to Looking Good.
After tittering and scratching our heads for a while, we can reconstruct what happened in the framing of this cacphonous come-on.
Apparently, the good folks at Newbury Street Coiffure meant to proclaim that their affordable prices afforded an alternative for looking good.
But what came out was the message, "Come to us and we'll throw gunk on your hair and pull some of it out. And we'll charge you very little to do it!"
As the following classified classics will demonstrate, there are often more laughs on the advertising and classified pages than you can find
in the cartoon and comic strips:
* Saturday Morning 10:30 A.M. Easter Matinee. Every child laying an egg in the door man's hand will be admitted free. [Parsons PA paper]
* We want your eggs, and we want them bad. Porter & Young [Display ad in the Le Roy MN Indepentent.
* LET'S ALL MAKE THIS A BIGGER AND BETTER STATE FAIR. Leave your garments at our main plant right on your way to the fair. [Ad in
the Shreveport LA Journal]
* Widows made to order. Send us your specifications [El Paso TX]
* The fact that those we have served return once again, and recommend us to their friends, is a high indorsment of the service we render. PELTON FUNERAL HOME [Oshkosh Northwestern]
*TOMBSTONE SLIGHTLY USED. Sell cheap. Weil's Curiosity Shop [Philadelphia Inquirer]
* Will trade fire, life, automobile insurance for anything can use. Want lady with automobile. [Riverside CA Enterprise]
* For sale to kind master. Full grown domesticated tigress, goes daily walk untied, and eats flesh from hand. [Calcutta India]
* WANTED A boy who can take care of horses who can speak German. [Parade of Youth]
* Swap - Drink mixer, glasses, tray, etc for good baby carriage. [Ossining paper]
* Lost: small apricot poodle. reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
* A superb and inexpensive restaurant. Fine foods expertly served by waitresses in apetizing forms.
* Dinner Special - Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00
* For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
* For sale: a quilted high chair that can be made into a table, pottie chair, rocking horse, refrigerator, spring coat, size 8 and fur collar.
* Four-poster bed, 101 years old. Perfect for antique lover.
* Now is the perfect time to get your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too!
* Wanted: 50 girls for stripping machine operators in factory
* Wanted: Unmarried girls to pick fresh fruit and produce at night.
* We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
* No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make
it really repellent
* For Sale. Three canaries of undetermined sex.
* For Sale - Eight puppies from a German Shepherd and an Alaskan Huskey.
* Creative daily specials, including select offerings of beef, foul, fresh vegetables, salads, quiche.
* 7 ounces of choice sirloin, steak, boiled to your likeness and smothered with golden fried onion rings.
* Great Dames for sale.
* Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.
* Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it.
* 20 dozen bottles of excellent Old Tawney Port, sold to pay for charges, the opwner having been lost sight of, and bottled by us last year.
* Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
* Vacation Special: Have your house exterminated.
* If you think you've seen everything in Paris, visit the Pere Lachasis Cemetery. It boasts such immortals as Moliere, Jean de la Fountain and Chopin.
* Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
* The hotel has bowling alleys, tennis courts, comfortable beds and other athletic facilities.
* Get rid of aunts: Zap does the job in 24 hours.
* Toaster: A fift that every member of the family appreciates.
Automatically burns toast.
* Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so servicable that lots of women wear nothing else.
* Save regularly in our bank. You'll never reget it.
* We build bodies that last a lifetime.
* Offer expires December 31 or while supplies last.
* This is the model home for your future. It was panned by Better Homes & Gardens.
* For Sale - Diamonds $20,00; microsopes $15.00.
* For Rent: 6 room hated apartment.
* Man, honest. Will take anything.
* Wanted: chambermaid in rectory. Love in, $200.00 a month. References required.
* Wanted: Part-time married girls for soda fountain in sandwich shop.
* Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.
* Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
* Christmas tag-sale. Handmade gifts for the hard-to-find person.
* Modular Sofas. Only $299.00. For rest or fore play.
* Wanted: Hair-cutter. Excellent growth potential.
* Wanted. Man to take care of cow that does not smoke or drink.
* 3-year old teacher needed for pre-school. Experience preferred.
* Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals and snacks included.
* Our bikinis are exciting. They are simply the tops.
* Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you'll never go anywhere again.
* See ladies blouses. 50% off!
* Holcross pulletts. Starting to lay Betty Clayton, Granite 5-6204
* Wanted. Preparer of food. Must be dependable like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
* Illiterate? Write today for free help.
* Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
* Wanted. Widower with school-age children requires person to assume general housekeeping duties. Must be capable of contributing to growth of family.
* Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating
* Mother's helper - peasant working conditions.
* Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale.
* And now, the Superstore - unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
* We will oil your sewing machine and adjust tension in your home for $1.00
And these beauties from the radio:
* Ladies and gentlemen, now you can have a bikini for a ridiculous figure.
* Be with us again next Saturday at 10:00 P. M. for "High Fidelity," designed to help music lovers increase their reproduction.
* When you are thirsty, try 7-Up, the refreshing drink in the green bottle with the big 7 on it and u-p after.
* Tune in next week for another series of classical music programs with the Canadian Broadcorping Castration.
Some memorable headlines
JURY GETS DRUNK DRIVING CASE HERE
MAN IS FATALLY SLAIN
NIGHT SCHOOL TO HEAR PEST TALK
PRISONERS ESCAPE FROM PRISON FARM AFTER EXECUTION
SUES BRIDE OF 4 MOUTHS
HOTEL BURNS: TWO HUNDRED GUESTS ESCAPE HALF GLAD
INFANT MORALITY SHOWS DROP HERE
SANTA ROSA MAN DENIES HE COMMITED SUICIDE IN SOUTH SAN FRANCISCO
ENRAGED COW INJURES FARMER WITH AX
SENAT PASSES DEATH PENALTY
Measure provides for Electrocution for all persons over 17.
Thugs eat then rob proprietor
Scent foul play in death of man found bound and hanged
Dog in bed, asks divorce
WILD WIFE LEAGUE WILL MEET TONIGHT
BOY COOKS MUST EAT OWN VITALS
BACHELORS PREFER BEAUTY TO BRAINS IN THEIR WIVES
LOCAL MAN HAS LONGEST HORNS IN ALL TEXAS
OFFICER CONVICTED OF ACCEPTING BRIDE
40 MEN ESCAPE WATERY GRAVES WHEN VESSEL FLOUNDERS IN ALE
Since I first discovered forums and blogging as a teenager, I have always done a lot of writing not only online but offline as well. I have always considered myself to be a writer (and an author) in some way, shape or form for most of my life. And yet, I write these articles and write for my websites all the while holding the ‘default’ assumption that no one actually reads what I write, let alone that I could write something that inspires someone to feel something.
It’s a rather strange assumption for a writer, but there it is. However, life doesn’t ever let me get away with that kind of thinking for long. I get reminders, wonderful reminders, that people do read.
Jumping back to my last article, my best friend from childhood, Alexis, decided – once and for all, as far as I’m concerned – that I am no longer to be a part of her life. While it feels cliché to say that I wish her well, I truly do. She seems to be at an uneasy place in her life, and I know what that’s like. I hope she finds peace.
That being said, I don’t so much forgive her for the emotional and mental turmoil she has put me through, but I do accept it. Even more so now.
Not long after my article about Alexis went out, I received a letter (via the paper) from someone who was moved by what I had written.
I have noticed that people who hate something are ten times more likely to say something about it than someone who loves something else is likely to speak up about that. Positive feedback has become a rare thing. So to say I was shocked to receive the letter would be a bit of an understatement. The word ‘gobsmacked’ comes to mind.
It’s always been my philosophy that the goal of any piece is to create a feeling within the reader. It’s not always accomplished, but when you do, you know you have created a real piece of writing. While I had been writing from pure emotion in the last article, I still didn’t expect any sort of response. And what a lovely response it was.
To receive a letter from someone who not only understood what I felt as a person who left what I knew but who added new perspective to an emotional (for me) situation was beautiful. So often it is easy to be unsure of how you feel, of whether or not you are right in your view of something. This letter not only provided that validation, it made me feel a lot less alone in regards to knowing what it’s like to leave your home.
After reading the letter, a sort of peace came over me. If a complete stranger could see what I saw in the situation with Alexis, then I couldn’t be completely wrong about her, could I?
I’m reminded of something I was told in childhood and have always taken to heart: Never let one bad apple spoil the batch. What I mean to say is that this letter reminded me that it takes all types. For every one person who abuses you, breaks your trust or breaks your heart, there is one person out there who understands. Don’t let one person spoil it all for you.
If I had done that so long ago, I wouldn’t have gotten close to my new, beautiful best friends. I would think every mother was horrible, every father is distant, every man will eventually hurt me and that getting stomped on is just what people do to each other in life.
But I don’t. I look forward to being a mother, learning from the wonderful mothers I know. I know my husband will be an amazing, albeit with a strange sense of humour, father. I look forward to meeting even more interesting, amazing people.
Most of all, I look forward to more of those little reminders that I’m not alone.
Truly, to all the people who take their time to read what I have to say, thank you. I appreciate it more than words enable me to express. It’s wonderful to know that, occasionally, when I prattle on, people stop to listen. And to the person who went to the trouble of writing me a letter, a heartfelt thank you to you, too.
Until next time…
It's a crime! I've totally been put off brownies. :( And food in general. Sigh.
But, the fight wages on. As long as my head is clear, I'm doing well.
How goes for everyone else?
Some of the gnomes have made their way into my sinuses, blocking them up with their special green goo. Other gnomes, bored by the sinuses and goo work, have made their way to my throat and are tromping around with their spiky.
There is a class of gnome that works with more intricate misery-making in the ear canals and throat glands. They work carefully to make these areas as sore as possible.
In light of this invasion, I probably won't be posting until next week...
Mother's Day used to be hard for me. I don't have the kind of relationship with my mother that warrants me even sending a card. I know that seems harsh, but not all mothers are good mothers. Unfortunately, I'm descended of a line of not so great mothers. I don't want to say 'bad' because the women of my bloodline have gone through some pretty horrendous things. But that's no excuse to continue the cycle.
However, you may notice that I said 'used to be' hard for me. Not is. Well, that's because I know life is a state of mind, and I have decided to look at Mother's Day not with the sadness of a scarred daughter but with the hopefulness of a mother to be.
I'm not pregnant, no, but some day I will be. Some day I will have a daughter, and I will do better by her. I will be where the abuse stops and the love begins. I will make sure she knows that I love her and I wanted her long before she came into existence. I'll let her know that I was scared, but I still wanted her.
And, when she's old enough, I will tell her why we never visit grandma.
To all you good mothers out there who know that respect is not insisted upon by blood but is earned - always earned, have a wonderful day. Keep doing what you're doing. Keep letting your good mother and your daughter, your sister good mothers and friend good mothers... Keep letting them know how wonderful they are. Because for those of us with not-so-good mothers, well, we need a good template so we can grow to be the good mothers we never had.
1 I have to floss my cat.
2 I've dedicated my life to linguini.
3 I want to spend more time with my blender.
4 the President said he might drop in.
5 the man on television told me to say tuned.
6 I've been scheduled for a karma transplant.
7 I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture.
8 it's my parakeet's bowling night.
9 it wouldn't be fair to the other Beautiful People.
10 I'm building a pig from a kit.
11 I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it.
12 I'm enrolled in aerobic scream therapy.
13 there's a disturbance in the Force.
14 I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling.
15 I have to go to the post office to see if I'm still wanted.
16 I'm teaching my ferret to yodel.
17 I have to check the freshness dates on my dairy products.
18 I'm going through cherry cheesecake withdrawl.
19 I'm planning to go downtown to try on gloves.
20 my crayons all melted together.
21 I'm trying to see how long I can go without saying yes.
22 I'm in training to be a household pest.
23 I'm getting my overalls overhauled.
24 my patent is pending.
25 I'm attending the opening of my garage door.
26 I'm sandblasting my oven.
27 I'm worried about my vertical hold.
28 I'm going down to the bakery to watch the buns rise.
29 I'm being deported.
30 the grunion are running.
31 I'll be looking for a parking space.
32 my Millard Filmore Fan Club meets then.
33 the monsters haven't turned blue yet, and I have to eat more dots.
34 I'm taking punk totem pole carving.
35 I have to fluff my shower cap.
36 I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian.
37 I've come down with a really horrible case of something or other.
38 I made an appointment with a cuticle specialist.
39 my plot to take over the world is thickening.
40 I have to fulfill my potential.
41 I don't want to leave my comfort zone.
42 it's too close to the turn of the century.
43 I have some real hard words to look up in the dictionary.
44 my subconscious says no.
45 I'm giving nuisance lessons at a convenience store.
46 I left my body in my other clothes.
47 the last time I went, I never came back.
48 I've got a Friends of Rutabaga meeting.
49 I have to answer all of my "occupant" letters.
50 none of my socks match.
51 I have to be on the next train to Bermuda.
52 I'm having all my plants neutered.
53 people are blaming me for the Spanish-American War.
54 I changed the lock on my door and now I can't get out.
55 I'm making a home movie called "The Thing That Grew in My Refrigerator."
56 I'm attending a perfume convention as guest sniffer.
57 my yucca plant is feeling yucky.
58 I'm touring China with a wok band.
59 my chocolate-appreciation class meets that night.
60 I never go out on days that end in "Y."
61 my mother would never let me hear the end of it.
62 I'm running off to Yugoslavia with a foreign-exchange student named Basil Metabolism.
63 I just picked up a book called "Glue in Many Lands" and I can't put it down.
64 I'm too old/young for that stuff.
65 I have to wash/condition/perm/curl/tease/torment my hair.
66 I have too much guilt.
67 there are important world issues that need worrying about.
68 I have to draw "Cubby" for an art scholarship.
69 I'm uncomfortable when I'm alone or with others.
70 I promised to help a friend fold road maps.
71 I feel a song coming on.
72 I'm trying to be less popular.
73 my bathroom tiles need grouting.
74 I have to bleach my hare.
75 I'm waiting to see if I'm already a winner.
76 I'm writing a love letter to Richard Simmons.
77 you know how we psychos are.
78 my favorite commercial is on TV.
79 I have to study for a blood test.
80 I'm going to be old someday.
81 I've been traded to Cincinnati.
82 I'm observing National Apathy Week.
83 I have to rotate my crops.
84 my uncle escaped again.
85 I'm up to my elbows in waxy buildup.
86 I have to knit some dust bunnies for a charity bazaar.
87 I'm having my baby shoes bronzed.
88 I have to go to court for kitty littering.
89 I'm going to count the bristles in my toothbrush.
90 I have to thaw some karate chops for dinner.
91 having fun gives me prickly heat.
92 I'm going to the Missing Persons Bureau to see if anyone is looking for me.
93 I have to jog my memory.
94 my palm reader advised against it.
95 my Dress For Obscurity class meets then.
96 I have to stay home and see if I snore.
97 I prefer to remain an enigma.
98 I think you want the OTHER [your name] .
99 I have to sit up with a sick ant.
100 I'm trying to cut down.
101 ... well, maybe.
This whole moving thing… Well, this whole ‘unpacking’ thing is taking a lot longer than I expected. It would help if my other would do his side of the unpacking, but I can’t say anything until I’m fully unpacked.
The good news is that my writing space is starting to emerge from all the chaos.
I have a lot to sort out (like getting a chair) in my new writing space, but I’m already getting excited about it. It’ll technically be a writing and craft space, but it’s all good – and it’s all mine.
The door you see on the left is one of two sliding doors that can close off the lounge. The bookshelves on the right divide the writing space from the lounge space (recliners, television, etc). The picture doesn’t do the space justice; the table is as tall or a bit taller than I am (five foot, six inches). It also has an extra middle piece underneath to make it even longer.
Even better? Behind me (taking the picture) is a space filled with boxes at the moment, but it our soon to be reading space complete with bookshelf, bean bags and pillow! I can’t wait to take pictures of that…
Do you have a reading and/or writing space(s)?