Onions, Layers, Honesty & Depression
After making a promise to Blog Naked - meaning blogging with more honesty and openness - I'm making good on that promise. I'm talking about what is going on instead of disappearing from my blogs.
When I don't post, it's not because I have nothing to say.
I stop posting for two reasons: I get busy or I'm struggling with depression. Lately? It's a lot more about the latter than the former.
Like way too many people, I had a childhood that left me like a particularly large onion: a lot of layers. For a long time, since before I came to Australia, I have worked through these layers. In an effort to become a better person and figure out the reasons for my less pleasant behaviours.
As you can imagine, the process is not easy. Who wants to face the lies they have told, excuses they have made and chances they deliberately missed out of fear/anger/stubbornness/etc? Even so, I've kept on.
But with each layer I peel back and discover, feelings come pouring out. Because of the circumstances that made these layers, the old feelings are often negative. Nothing is more heartbreaking than the fear of a little girl, even if the event happened years ago.
Feeling those things over again, exposing the raw wounds, often sends me into depression. I can handle those things better now that I am an adult, but the pain still exists. And when it's hard to get myself to take a shower, blogging isn't my highest priority.
I'm dealing with things the best I can, even if it means crying, interrupting my husband at work with a phone call or just plain admitting to myself (and to my husband) that I'm having one of my 'crazy days'.
I choose not to be medicated because, frankly, I think going for the causes instead of masking the symptoms is the way to go. I know my depression stems from my past. I know that dealing with all the things I have dealt with so far has made me a stronger, happier person.
Sometimes it's all about saying the words to someone and getting them out of your head. Some days I need a cuddle. And some days I just can't blog or get out of my pyjamas or face the world because it's just too much.
On other days, it's blogging and the friends I have met online that get me through the toughest times of my life.
For that, I thank you more than you will ever know and thank you for your understanding during the quiet times.