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21.11.08

Australian Wildlife (AKA Reasons Not to Invade Australia)

The Bloke had a little fun with someone from the US on a forum...

American Guy's Post…
I'm getting a group together to go raid some Australians for their gas. Picked a lonely coastal town and everything. One road through, one small harbor and no airport. All long range communications centrally located for your convenience. No guns. No problem. Yay Google Earth!

Have a decker on tap to drop their satellite phones and several tuned bolluxes (as in the electronic warfare use of the term, not the UK) for ham and citizens band. Though some nit picking bean counter is insisting we will burn all the fuel stolen getting back home. We had to give him a wedgie for being a wiseguy. And sort of not getting it.

Already have my head shaved into a mohawk and bought a spiffy set of cestuses?, cesti? big spikey gloves weighted with lead. For smacking heroes and "red shirts". Have a vest good enough to stop most shotgun and pistol rounds.

Though unlike my role model, knowing myself I'll probably pick a female as a girlfriend. (A man has to know himself, and that was an easy guess.) I'll pick a local wench, as a pack of mutant gasoline raiders will still probably treat them nicer than the local males, if memory holds true. And they talk cute.

Open to all. Sign up sheet below. Standard rules of raiding by independents apply.

We leave in a week. I want more bodies in on this as those Aussies can be hard as ticks when they get riled. Seen it. Land combat vets get 3 extra shares. Dyerwolf, since you were a combat Marine and an O to boot, I'll cut you in for ten extra shares if you sign up. Though I'll need you to secure the road south. Won't even require you to enter the town unless something goes way wrong.


The Bloke's Reply...

As an Aussie I'd like, in a friendly manner, to offer a cautionary word or two...

1. Insects & arachnids - we have a few here to give pause to the bravest souls. Couple of spiders that specialise in large mammalian types, another as big as a plate that likes meat. Got a couple of flies about an inch long that bite like the devil's pitchfork.

2. Snakes - of the top 13 most poisonous snakes on the planet, we have 12 of them. The King Cobra is about No. 8 I think. The top five a a whole order of magnitude above all others, in toxicity & amount delivered. Tiger snakes like to come hunting if you so much as walk too close. Most of them like to swim.

We have a snake that like to climb trees & hang around till someone walks near the tree. They can flatten their bodies & glide so from 100ft tree you aren't safe out to about 60ft away.

3. We have lizards that like to eat snakes...

4. Those kookaburras that you hear in jungle sound tracks in movies? The laughing jackass as we call them? They like to pick up poisonous snakes & fly up in the air & drop them. This tends not to please the snakes. Try not to be under one.

5. Kangaroos - about 4ft tall (the greys) up to about 7ft tall (the reds), claws an inch or more long, head of bone, hind legs able to rip the belly from a rhino. Get a little short tempered when anything gets between them & food. Try not to...

6. Wombats - short cute little sorts, build from molybdenum steel. If one starts running, DON'T let it hit you. You'll lose the bit it hits. Sherman tanks were designed after them but they couldn't quite get the solidity factor with mere metal.

7. Koalas - We keep them stoned on eucalyptus because they have muscles of steel to drive 2 inch claws. Australia would be uninhabitable if they ever get straight.

8. Emus - About the size of an Ostrich but meaner. Like to kick & capable of giving you new front ribs - sticking out your back

9. Cassowary's - Emus are afraid of them, think they're too stroppy.

10. You don't need to worry about sharks in the estuary waters. The crocs ate them out...

When & if you get past all of that, you'll probably reconsider the whole 'raid' idea & figure anything requiring that kind of commitment should probably result in you becoming an Aussie.

That's OK, we've got a few nationalities here - 130+ at last count. We accept almost anyone. *grins* ...who survives...

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