Speaking Australian Part Three – Socializing

Drinking and eating are a huge part of the Australian lifestyle – especially if you are in Melbourne, which has some of the best food on the planet. If you get the chance to go out and about (and I highly recommend you do), here are some basic terms to help get you by:

Your Shout

No, you aren't quite talking about shouting... This phrase you'll often hear in pubs and slightly less often in restaurants.

Basically, if you're calling your shout this round, it means you're paying for the round. If you get in a ‘shouting match’ that means each person in the group will take a turn buying a round. People who skip out on their shouts will often find themselves without a lot of friends.

A Cuppa

If you're invited in for a cuppa, by all means, accept!

A cuppa invitation is basically someone asking you if you'd like to sit down for a cup of tea (or coffee) and a bit of chat and relax time.

Sheila

Sheila is a term that isn't as in popular as it once was, but it's still in use - even if it can be slightly derogatory these days.

Simply put, it's a term for woman. However, it's not usually used for a high-society or 'lady' type.

Bloke

Where there's a sheila, there's likely a bloke. Bloke, unlike shelia, is in no way derogatory and is in common use.

And it means guy or man. Bloke also serves as a more specific description for a guy who's a man's man. All around guy who isn't into fashion, hair highlights, etc.

Bonza

Bonza is another term not used as much as it used to be, but you can sometimes still hear it said.

Basically, it means good or very good. "That was a bonza concert!"

Crook

Feeling a bit crook? Obviously we aren't talking about a shepherd's crook.

If you're feeling crook, it means you're feeling ill.

And again, remember to not be easily offended!

Speaking Australian Part Two – Not for the Easily Offended

When it comes to Australia, one of the first things you (should) will notice about Australians is their sense of humor. Overall, most Aussies like to have a bit of fun and stir people up a bit. If you are easily offended, then Australia might not be the place for you.

Poms, Kiwis, and other Non-Aussies

Australians are the first to make fun of everyone - including themselves. Thus, it only makes sense that they come up with nicknames for people from other countries (and for each other).

Here's a quick list of what you might be called when you get to Australia.

Common use:

Kiwis - From New Zealand (For the record, New Zealanders call Australians ‘skips’)
Poms - From England
Yanks/Septics - From the US
Canucks - Canadian

There are many more here, but they might get you in a fight, so it’s better to learn them later than to remember them at the exact wrong time…

Speaking Australian Part One – Intro to Strine

By far, one of the things that fascinates non-Australians the most about Australia is the language. Australians speak English (mostly) so why do some of the words not make sense?

When it comes to Strine – Aussie slang, if you prefer – there are a few things you should remember:

1. Most Aussies will be polite when you first arrive and not use a lot of Strine.
2. Most Aussies like messing with people – stirring – so don’t substitute the ‘most’ in #1 with ‘all’.
3. Most people who try to imitate an Australian accent end up sounding English, so you’d be better off not ‘going Aussie’ just yet.

Here are some basic Strine phrases that will help get you through your first days here in Australia:

G'day

This is probably the most well known and easily decipherable Aussie-ism, and that's why I choose to start with it. "G'day" is a traditional Aussie greeting, but that doesn't mean it has completely replaced hello, hi, hey, and the other greetings people are used to.

Side note: You're more likely to get asked how you're 'going' than how you're 'doing'.

Mate

Mate, while probably looked at from the outside at just another term for friend, can be more than that.
In casual greeting, mate can mean friend.

However, if someone points out another person and says, "Yeah, he's my mate" then it means close friend rather than casual friend.

Some Quick Aussie-isms

Fag - Cigarette
Petrol - Fuel/Gas
Knickers - Women's underwear
Jocks - Men's underwear
Doona - A stuffed quilt
Mobile - Cell phone
Drongo - Clumsy idiot

Some Quick Phonetics

Mobile - Mow-bile
Herb - like it's spelled - not 'erb'
Basil - Baa-zil
Tomato - Most often heard as toh-mah-toh

And just a note...

Koala bear - Not a bear! Just a koala.

The Streets of Melbourne – Entertainment Everywhere

When you visit Melbourne, it’s all well and good to visit the well-known sights, but you could be missing out on one of the features that makes Melbourne my favourite city to wander around on foot in: street entertainment.

To truly experience a city, there’s not much better you can do than wander around and take everything in. From musicians to artists to ‘living’ statues, the streets of Melbourne are full of all sorts of interesting sights and sounds – many of which you can miss if you opt to drive everywhere and/or stick to the main tourist destinations.

Looking for a unique gift? There are plenty of paintings, crafts and other things on sale from street vendors. Want to help support your local musicians? Take a short walk and you’re bound to come across guitar players, one-man/woman bands and even some performers who need only a mic and the interesting sounds they can make.

Admittedly, you do get the good with the bad, but in my experience, there has been a lot more good than bad. There has been some downright weird, too, but that’s Melbourne for you.

And even if you’re not that interested, keep in mind that these people are trying to earn some money. If you enjoy the craft/painting/etc, why not get it? If you enjoy the performance, consider tossing some money into the hat.

My World Trip - Place I Want to Go

This is just the start of a list, but these are the places that first came to mind...

Not in any order of preference or trip planning or whatever. Just places.

Peru
Berlin
Canada
Egypt
Italy
Greece
US West Coast (California, Washington, Idaho...)
Wisconsin
New York via Niagara Falls
London
Bath
Stonehenge
Amsterdam
Singapore
Hong Kong
Tokyo

My World Trip

As crazy as it may sound, I have decided to start planning a world trip. Not 'I'm going next month' - or even next year, for that matter - or anything intense like that. I would just like to start thinking about, and tentatively planning, places I would like to go on a 'round the world' trip.

I think there are way too many people out there who don't even think about the things they really want in live because 'it'll never happen'. Rather than face disappointment, they don't think about the pleasant things at all.

Will my trip happen? Eh, maybe not. But it could. Someday. So, instead of focusing on the 'maybe not' I am going to focus on the 'but it could'. It's not going to be anything too exciting, but every now and then I might post something that I'll stick in the 'my world trip' tag category.

For giggles. And dreams.

At this point, it's going to take $40,000 - $50,000 to have a nice, comfortable trip around the world. That's a reality I focus on, but I'll keep saving.

You never know.

Funny Letter to the Bank Manager

Long, but definitely worth a read. You can find the original post here.

****

Dear Bank Manager,

I am writing to thank you for bouncing the check with which I endeavored to pay my plumber last month. By my calculations some three nanoseconds must have elapsed between his presenting the check, and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honor it. I refer, of course, to the automatic monthly deposit of my entire salary, an arrangement which, I admit, has only been in place for eight years.

You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity, and also for debiting my account with $50 by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank. My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to re-think my errant financial ways. You have set me on the path of fiscal righteousness.

No more will our relationship be blighted by these unpleasant incidents, for I am restructuring my affairs in the second half of 1999, taking as my model the procedures, attitudes and conduct of your very bank. I can think of no greater compliment, and I know you will be excited and proud to hear it.

To this end, please be advised about the following changes:

First, I have noticed that whereas I personally attend to your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing, pre-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become. From now on I, like you, choose only to deal with a flesh and blood person.

My mortgage and loan repayments will, therefore and hereafter, no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank, by check, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee of your branch, whom you must nominate. You will be aware that it is an offense under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.

Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require our chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages, but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Justice of the Peace, and that the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I will issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote in all dealings with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but, again, I have modeled it on the number of button presses required to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Let me level the playing field even further by introducing you to my new telephone system, which you will notice, is very much like yours. My authorized contact at your bank, the only person with whom I will have any dealings, may call me at any time and will be answered by an automated voice. By pressing buttons on the phone, he/she will be guided thorough an extensive set of menus:

1. To make an appointment to see me
2. To query a missing repayment
3. To make a general complaint or inquiry
4. To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there;
Extension of living room to be communicated at the time the call is received;
5. To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am still sleeping. Extension of bedroom to be communicated at the time the call is received;
6. To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature. Extension of toilet to be communicated at the time the call is received.
7. To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
8. To leave a message on my computer. To leave a message a password to access my computer is required. Password will be communicated at a later date to the contact.
9. To return to the main menu and listen carefully to options 1 through 8.
The contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may on occasion involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration. This month I've chosen a refrain from The Best Of Woody Guthrie:
"Oh, the banks are made of marble
With a guard at every door
And the vaults are filled with silver
That the miners sweated for"

After twenty minutes of that, our mutual contact will probably know it by heart. On a more serious note, we come to the matter of cost.

As your bank has often pointed out, the ongoing drive for greater efficiency comes at a cost. A cost which you have always been quick to pass on to me. Let me repay your kindness by passing some costs back.

First, there is the matter of advertising material you send me. This I will read for a fee of $20 per page. Inquiries from your nominated contact will be billed at $5 per minute of my time spent in response. Any debits to my account, as, for example, in the matter of the penalty for the dishonored check, will be passed back to you.

My new phone service runs at 75 cents a minute (even Woody Guthrie doesn't come for free), so you would be well advised to keep your inquiries brief and to the point. Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.

Best Wishes,

Your humble client

Christmas in July

When I was living in the States, when I heard 'Christmas in July', I thought it was all just a big commercial industry scam to get people to buy more stuff. Heck, wouldn't they love it if they could have Christmas TWICE a year? 'ckin oath. ;)

But now that I'm in the southern hemisphere, I get. I mean really get it.

Regular Christmas in Oz consists of BBQs, going to the beach, trying to chill out by relaxing with a cold beer and friends with air conditioning. Certainly a far change from mugs of hot chocolate, warm jammies, the heater going as you look outside at the massive snow drifts...

I was wondering if it would happen this year because it has the past two Julys, but I didn't really recognize it for what it was. Lo and behold, I woke up a few mornings ago and felt like I should be putting up Christmas decorations or something.

Looking outside and seeing no snow on the ground usually snaps me out of it, but I still feel a little confused internally. I want to be making candy cane reindeer and buying/making presents for people. While I'm sure people would appreciate the gifts, it might be just a little weird...

Maybe that's one of the reasons I have a hard time in winter here. Not only do I have fewer presents to make/buy for people during regular Christmas anyway, I can't really do what I feel I should be doing because it's July and Christmas is far away...

A Touch of Polish

I'm pretty much done with the changes for the blog now. I hope it makes things easier and less confusing. And more to the point for what I intend for this blog.

JM

Photography Buffs Unite on the Melbourne Photo Walk

When I say there is something for everyone in Melbourne, I most certainly mean photographers as well. As a amateur (but enthusiastic) photographer myself, the Melbourne Photo Walk is just one more way to get out and appreciate Melbourne as well as meet other people who share the same interests.

While still fairly new and small, things aren’t likely to stay that way for long with socializing and fun on the menu. Not only that, you can enter your photos from the day into different categories to be eligible for prizes!

Rewarded with prizes for spending a day doing something you love with other people who also love that activity? It doesn’t get much better than that.

If you’re looking to get in on the next photo walk, stop by their website - http://melbournephotowalk.com/ - which has details on walks, links to their flickr and twitter groups and a contact email address for any questions you have (or just to say hello!). They also feature some of the photos there are well.